Dearest Burger King,
You were my favorite fast food joint when I was a kid. I loved the chargrilled burgers and chicken tenders. It was in your dining room I learned I could cut my 4 piece chicken tenders in half to double my order to 8 tenders. Big sisters are good for something I suppose.
I also inked former Chicago Bear Doug Plank’s autograph at your Westerville, OH store. A childhood treasure.
I haven’t visited in quite a while, though. Not because I’m mad at you specifically, I just learned avoiding fast food is a healthy policy. It’s just, lately, you seem to have lost your mind.
First off, the king was creepy. And the massive breakfast sandwich he first touted was just unnecessary. But I’m more worried about recent events.
You announced in April you were taking a fresh look at the menu with an eye toward healthier options. Customers want the choice. And you were ready to give it to them. Lest you fall further behind the McDonald’s behemoth.
Then you unveiled this:
A Bacon Milkshake? Why now? Shit, why ever? Who in the meeting forgot to raise their hand and offer, “Should we be rolling out a Bacon Milkshake when we’re touting a new, healthier menu?”
I still love you Burger King. If only for the warm memories from my youth. Get your act together and maybe someday I’ll visit again. And turn my four piece chicken tenders into eight. Now that’s a deal.
Your long lost friend,